Coarse Adjustment
by FantasticJackie
Summary: No, it wasn’t that she’d fantasized about kissing him. It was the fact that she’d fantasized about seriously opening up and telling him – showing him – exactly how deeply she felt for him. – Takes place after Grace. Title misspelled purposely.


**Coarse Adjustment  
**_By: Jackie_

**Spoilers/Season: **Season 7, immediately after Grace  
**Summary: **No, it wasn't that she'd fantasized about kissing him. It was the fact that she'd fantasized about seriously opening up and telling him – showing him – exactly how deeply she felt for him. – Title misspelled purposely.  
**  
AN:** I've been gone for a while; hello! This has been written for 6 or so months… But then I got into nonfiction. lol It was just a thought I had while watching the Grace kiss. A line of thought developed when I wondered how Sam might actually have faced Jack later on when she didn't have any happy drugs running through her system… As I'm trying to get back into fiction, I figured I'd share. :) Hope y'all enjoy this little shot of angst!

The briefing room was more homely to Samantha Carter than it had ever seemed – which was rather, after having recently been of the mind that she'd never see it again, let alone Earth. It was strange that the simple things happened to be the most missed.

It was her first official day back since her "brief" stint on the Prometheus. For Sam, the experience had lasted far more than just a few days, but severe concussions had a tendency to impair such judgment. Other such effects apparently included calling one's CO by his off-limits first name. Or at least that was what he believed, and she was determined to believe it as well. Sort of. Since her solo escapade, lying to herself had become a lot harder.

Said CO was seated across from her. Daniel was currently briefing them on their next mission, which was scheduled for the next day at 0600. The colonel was silently waggling a pencil between his thumb and forefinger, listening to (or at least appearing to) the archeologist as he explained the possible roots and meanings of the old ruins the MALP had found. Sam was trying her best to give Daniel her attention, but with the colonel so close by for the first time in seven days since she'd woken to find him there, she was having difficulty ignoring a certain event that had "occurred" in a corner room, pressed against a console.

The last time she'd seen the colonel, she'd been high on drugs that made her sedate and calm; the kiss and "their" discussion had been the first thing that had come to her mind, but she was mellow enough to be unconcerned by it. Of course that wasn't the case when she'd seen him at breakfast earlier. She'd thought she was having success against the involuntary thoughts and stray glances to his neck and lips for all of five seconds -- as long as it took for him to sit at the table and say to her in a low voice, "Hey, Carter." And then he'd smiled at her over his bowl of Fruit Loops.

And now he was playing with a pencil tapping it back and forth, back and forth between his fingers.

How was she supposed to move on from him when he was so…

The Colonel, sensing her gaze, turned his sharp brown eyes on her. He gave her a half crooked smile of encouragement, which she returned awkwardly, hoping she didn't blush. Satisfied, he resumed his attention to Daniel.

Sam held back a sigh and gave in, hoping to quickly get it out of her system if she determined the cause of her distraction.

She'd imagined kissing him many times, among other rated-g things, rarely lasting any longer than the most recent accidental fantasy. (Because any higher rating, she'd told herself, and she'd never be able to face him on a day-to-day basis. Not that she didn't dream…Those she couldn't control, and they still made for awkward situations the next day.) Usually, she would choose neutral places that they'd never be at together – previously explored worlds, her old favorite hangouts in DC, her car. (Though that one had backfired… Who'd have thought he'd have a flat and be caught without a spare when Daniel was out on a mission with SG-12 right as she'd been in the midst of her… creative session?) She always pretended to be baffled and appalled by these "I-didn't-just-think-that" flights of her imagination. And she never imagined in her lab. Never, ever in her lab, though if she had dreams that broke that cardinal rule, well… she'd chastise herself for thinking back to them accidentally on occasion.

No, it wasn't that she'd fantasized about kissing him. It was the fact that she'd fantasized about seriously opening up and telling him – showing him – exactly how deeply she felt for him. It wasn't just the kiss, but the entire conversation; and he'd known. Him kissing her back, with just as much desire and passion that she'd imagined feeling at the moment. Had felt at the moment… Well, it didn't help the situational embarrassment. His willingness to reciprocate, mouth open, his hands on her neck and face… In the hallucination, he'd loved her despite letting her go. Even the merest thought gave her a thrill.

Her eyes strayed to his form across the table of their own volition to see him ruffle a hand through his short silver hair, and she felt her face burn scarlet, ducking her head quickly to hide the reaction. Yup. That was definitely it.

Daniel was talking still. Determined to play the unaffected, good soldier, she looked up and directed her gaze at him. – But not before she caught sight of her CO's antsy movements as he wriggled in his chair after a poorly disguised bored stretch and ruffled his hair again.

Now there was something, she thought, watching his hand fall back to the table to tap a quick staccato rhythm: why _hadn't_ she imagined threading her fingers through his hair? It was a perfectly good opportunity, after all, and she'd _always_ wanted to do it, even before she felt feelings for him. Especially since she'd jumped him in the locker room so many years ago. So why had she wasted it?

Maybe because she wanted to wait for the real thing, her mind mutinously supplied.

She closed her eyes in self-agitation and muttered a curse under her breath. This was not the way to move on.

Unfortunately, she was loud enough for the colonel to hear, as well as Daniel, Teal'c, and General Hammond.

"Carter?" the colonel asked, and she sensed more than saw him turn to her expectantly.

Sam flashed her eyes up to him briefly, holding back any blush by way of force, and answered. "Nothing, Sir. Sorry." Colonel O'Neill seemed to accept her answer without further question, but the general did not. He studied her for a moment, but said nothing. He then indicated that Daniel continue.

_Crisis averted; well done, Major,_ she thought to herself and focused on Daniel, determined not to think of her misplaced feelings for the colonel anymore.

Feelings she was finally acknowledging rather than denying to herself.

It was a surprising turn of events her stay on the Prometheus had triggered, but after all, they did say that the first step was admitting the problem existed. Sam knew she was in love with Colonel O'Neill. There. She thought it. But she was moving on like he had, and so what if she was two and a half years late?

A part of her still rebuked the revelation she'd had onboard the intergalactic spaceship: surely the _only_ reason she'd stayed in love with him all this time could not be simply relegated to her fear of loss and a desire for safety. She feared for his safety above all others, so the logic didn't quite make sense. Maybe that was a clue as to whether she should pursue the path her concussed musings and hallucinations had laid before her. There was truth there, though; she knew that, too.

Truth such that the colonel no longer felt what he had about her so long ago.

She had previously consoled herself with the vague, unacknowledged hope that maybe he did still care, and he was simply hiding his feelings as she was. But Sam felt as if she was glaringly and embarrassingly obvious, considering such things as his immediate reprimand when she used his name. If he felt anything anymore… The more time that passed, the harder it was to believe, leaving her only with the painful recognition that he had truly moved on.

Sam was going to move on, as well. Realistically this time. It was impossible for her to simply fall out of love with the colonel and impossible to make any attempts without another man to take his place. She couldn't wait until she was "over him" before giving an effort as she had before because it simply wasn't going to happen when she found something new to admire about him practically every day; that was the excuse she had used to stay exactly where she was. Sam would find someone and give him every opportunity to sweep her off her feet, to shift her unwanted affections from her CO to another man who would love her in return. As painful as it seemed, she hoped that maybe the gradual shift she was aiming for would take the edge off.

She'd talk to Janet later on, and maybe her brother. Mark had been pushing since they'd reconnected for her to "find someone and settle down." She didn't know about the settling down part, but she was ready to find someone. And maybe she'd finally be able to have a normal relationship with the colonel. Mere friendship was far from what she wanted with him at the moment, but maybe afterwards, they could become closer without the awkward fears.

"You coming, Sam?" Daniel interrupted her musings, and this time, she couldn't hide her blush: the briefing was over, everyone but her standing.

"I, uh…"

"Major?" General Hammond asked, and she turned her attention to him. "I couldn't help but notice that you seem distracted," he said kindly without a trace of reprimand, surprising her. But then he continued, "If we need to postpone your next mission for a day or two in order to ensure you're in top physical condition-"

SG-1's eyes were on her, and she shook her head to the contrary. "No, Sir. Thank you. It's just…" she looked to Daniel and quickly made up a lie that something he'd said had reminded her of a forgotten experiment.

This time, Colonel O'Neill didn't believe her. "Carter, we all know you're human; your cover was blown a _long_ time ago."

She felt a smile tug at the corner of her lips, but as she met his brown gaze, the pang of her decision hit her squarely, and she sobered immediately. "I'm fine, Sir. Really. A little off the wall from time to time, but I'll be ready tomorrow."

He watched her, she wondering if he'd seen the subtle shift. The compassionate warmth he usually reserved for her was completely unguarded in his assessing stare, and she realized how long it had been since he'd looked at her like that. It made her ache.

Sam tried to remind herself of the resolution she'd just made, but at the particular moment, she couldn't see the wisdom in it. She knew she was staring openly, but she didn't care.

She remembered the feel of his lips on hers in the imagined kiss...

And then he seemed to catch himself.

He and the general exchanged quick glances before he shrugged and said, "Suit yourself," before traipsing out of the room followed by Daniel, and then a lingering Teal'c.

Sam watched him trek down the stairs until his silver head vanished beneath the level.

_"I will always be there for you…"_

_Yes,_ she thought, chest heavy, _You will._ No matter who she turned her affections to.

"Sam," Hammond said in the tone she'd grown fond of as a young girl. "Are you sure you're all right?" He was studying her again, concern evident in his features.

She gave him a tight smile, Major Carter in place. "Positive, Sir."

**AN:** Sorry for all the references to "the colonel" if that annoyed you. Usually I use various names for the characters to avoid repetition, but I figure after his immediate reprimand to her "I-just-woke-up-from-a-concussion" slip, she'd be far more careful in her thoughts about his title and rank. ;)


End file.
